I had the opportunity to ride with my oldest son in his first horsemanship clinic with Carol Coppinger last weekend. It was not only my son’s first clinic, it was his first time taking his horse off the farm and riding in a situation where there were a lot of other horses and riders. We talked on the way down about expectations and about working with the horse that shows up each day. Despite those conversations I know he had his heart set on showing everyone the fruits of his hard work over the last several years. And, like most of us, we like to shine and have others see our competence.
When the first morning of the clinic came, my son’s horse was far from settled and my son was faced with a challenge unlike any that he had ever faced before. In addition to dealing with a horse high on adrenaline, he was also coping with his own frustration, disappointments and concerns as to how others might view him. I suspect that we have all faced similar challenges in our lives, or we have at least witnessed someone else as the faced their own challenge. Maybe it was at a clinic or perhaps at a competition that we had been working toward for months.
Many of us (and I include myself in this) feel inclined to be critical of ourselves and start to beat ourselves up when faced with such adversity or when things don’t go as we planned. Some may turn that frustration outward and get angry with their horse, or the judges, or the clinician. Whatever our instinctive reaction, these moments of great challenge are clearly choice points in our lives. How we choose to treat ourselves and others, or how others treat us in the process, can have a profound impact on the potential outcome. Do we end up in defeat or triumph, anger or joy, despair or hope and inspiration
I had the opportunity over the next two days to watch how Carol helped my son help his horse. She provided him with patient guidance, set firm but kind limits, showed him how to use his horsemanship tools and skills effectively as he worked with his horse. She let him work on his own and struggle appropriately. She provided direct assistance when necessary to help him from being overwhelmed by the challenge. She challenged him further when he had made several positive steps forward and gave him an opportunity to shine. The choices Carol made as a mentor, whether deliberate or instinctive, transformed a difficult situation into a profound learning experience for my son. How easily the situation could have ended up differently.
As a father I was incredibly proud of my son, not so much for what he accomplished, as for his courage, persistence, and maturity in the face of adversity. OK… I was also proud of what he accomplished in those two short days. It also got me thinking about the lessons I learned from what I had witnessed and how they apply to my work with riders as well as to all of our relationships with horses. In a conversation during the clinic, Carol was talking about her journey with her own horse, Legend. In the midst of the story I remember her making a point to say, “and I never made him wrong.” Powerful words.
Can you imagine a life with your horse where you faced each challenge with the presence of mind to support and guide your equine partner in ways that helped them make good decisions without “making them wrong”? Can you imagine a world where teachers and mentors provided the same patient guidance and encouragement to their riding students without “making them wrong”? And, perhaps most importantly, can you imagine a world in which you could acknowledge your own challenges and perceived short-comings without self-criticism, shame and “making yourself wrong”?
To be sure, things don’t always go the way we want with our horses. Understanding and accepting the challenges we face is very important. Setting firm and appropriate limits? Absolutely. But, how far do we really get when we choose to point out the failings of others, our horses, or ourselves and “make them wrong”. It has consistently been my experience that change and growth are the result of choosing to seek out positive solutions and never seem to result from making others wrong.